littlesilvered: (lazy steve)
[personal profile] littlesilvered
My mom said something to me while I was watching a movie with Dad over Christmas. She said "Remember, moms make Christmas." I asked her where this came from, and she said that she was really missing her mom this Christmas.

How soon will it be when it's me missing my mom over Christmas? My mom is turning 60 this year and that fact hasn't bothered me till just now. How many Christmases, or days in general, do I have with her? And considering I only get to see her a few times a year now that I live in Florida, it's a scary thought. Not to mention, my dad is 65. My parents feel like all I have right now, since all my friend making efforts in Florida haven't borne much fruit. Not to mention I still suck at being a responsible adult and depend on them a lot for help and advice.

We were talking about going to the D23 Expo in August and Mom said it might be our last trip together. She clarified by saying it's because I'll probably have a job and stuff by then, but yeah, so didn't help. Not to mention a job will mean I will see less of her then I do now. Soooo didn't help.

I really wish I could stop thinking about this but for some reason, it's at the forefront of my brain right now. I couldn't sleep last night because of it. Plus general thoughts on death. What is it to just not have someone there anymore? To never see them again? What does it feel like to die? To just not wake up, to know that your life is over, that's it? Heavy shit I know and it's like I can feel the minutes ticking away when I think about it. Like, what am I doing with my life? Is it all worth it when there's nothing at the end?

I wish I could say writing this out has helped, but it hasn't. I just want the thoughts to stop, to be blissfully ignorant and careless about the subject again.

Really, as much as it feels like home, I wish I hadn't come back to Florida. I want to be home with my parents right now.

Yeah. I go for months without updating LJ and you all get this. Sorry.
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December 2012

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